The Show that Could...Not

I know it's jumping the gun a little bit to write a review of a show when the season is not quite over yet, but I figure giving it 90% of a season to turn into something is enough.  To that end, here are my thoughts on Starz's Magic City.

I was frankly excited to see this show proposed because it's a near-perfect premise: Boardwalk Empire meets Mad Men.  Honestly, what could possibly be more watchable than that?! And the trailers that Starz bombarded me with seemed to back that up.  It looked slick and thrilling and snazzy and exciting...all the things I've come to expect from a Premium-Channel Series.  But, I guess HBO set the bar too high or Starz just can't seem to find the quality of writers a show like this absolutely requires.  Let's face it: a Boardwalk Empire/Mad Men show needs and deserves a Martin Scorsese-caliber expertise; anything less is just sad.  That's why Magic City is just..not there.

First up, the main character Ike Evans:

this guy is dull-as-toast, despite the sharks he's swimming with.  Evans is written as a stand-up businessman--at least when he's not taking money from gangsters--who just wants to have the most successful hotel in Miami.  We're supposed to see him as a poor-boy-made-good who is trying hard to keep his nose above water and navigate the seamy-personalities that are attracted by success.  It's just too bad that Evans seems to be failing at that all of sudden.  We're given the impression that he's been amazingly successful up until now, but for some very hazy reason he's borrowed $100k from a crazy local gangster.  Is it to pay a mortgage? Is it to pay the taxes on the giant, white, post-modern monstrosity he's built?  We don't know.  But we do know that whatever Evans needed the money for, it only required $55,000, because he blows $45,000 on a boxing match he thought was rigged but actually wasn't.  Being in debt to the tune of $55k to a violent nut-job is bad enough..why voluntarily make it $100k?
     And almost as an aside, the writers seem to want to make his (and other characters') Jewishness a "thing"--as if they're trying to say, "it's Florida, you know *wink wink*".  Unfortunately, Jeffery Dean Morgan and the actors who play his sons are all about as Jewish as bacon on white bread...and thus, the writing for that is half-hearted, a bit confused, and never comes off (see also, Cubanness as a "thing" that never happens).
     And since we're on Jeffery Dean Morgan: this man is unarguably a really tasty piece of eye candy (I mean, just look at him up there!), but he has the Keanu-Reeves Disorder--the man emotes like a block of wood.  When I found that out, I became a little depressed.  Morgan's so nice to stare at, but if this piece of work is anything to go by, he's a crappy actor!  Maybe he should stick with overblown action flicks with miniscule plots. You don't really need emotional range for overblown action flicks with miniscule plots--something Keanu learned (hello, Matrix!).

Next up, is that crazy gangster loan shark I mentioned above, Ben "the Butcher" Diamond:

This is actually an interesting character; someone with the moniker, "the Butcher", can't help but be diverting..I would hope.  This character is an attention-getter because the writers made him as mentally balanced as Henry VIII. He's filthy rich, locally powerful, and a dangerous pervert with a weird kind of God complex.  Ben Diamond is quite obviously under-medicated, so you've got to wonder why someone as level-headed as Evans is supposed to be would borrow a huge chunk of change from THIS guy.  It's also obvious that Danny Huston is having a lot of fun playing this role and is to be congratulated for shaping an unbalanced, larger-than-life, yet still believable character prone to petulant outbursts of violence from the precious little good writing dedicated to Diamond.  ..And now I no longer want to run into Danny Huston in a dark alley.

Another major character is Ike's wife, Vera Evans:

overly gorgeous, though oddly approachable/relate-able (a feat if ever there was one), and you gotta love the Russian accent on a Romanian character--because on tv it's all the same...but, at least it's not an English accent.  Vera Evans was a showgirl Ike met in Cuba (pre-Magic City backstory) and now she's playing Miami first lady with visions of state dinners that she just can't seem to pull off because Jackie Kennedy keeps ducking the invites.  This subplot is flimsy, a bit silly, and entirely unimportant to the main story; but Olga Kurylenko manages to carry it with a pleasant bit of classy dignity (she was a Bond girl, after all).

Next we have the Evans boys, Stevie and Danny: there's nothing much here at all.  First up, Stevie Evans: 

The oldest one, Stevie, is selfishly dumb, a definite fuck-up, and possibly a sex addict--what other explanation could there be for his engaging in a torrid (not to mention, mortally dangerous) affair with Ben "the Butcher" Diamond's latest wife?  The writers made this character head-shakingly stupid and this "affair" subplot gets launched with all the subtlety of a pie to the face: their eyes slam into each other..and then they slam into each other--in dressing rooms and hair salons--for the rest of the season.  Apparently, the point of this is to keep us waiting around for these two to be caught and tortured to death by her insane husband, while being entertained with gratuitous soft-core in the meantime. This has been going on since the very first episode. Yawn.

Then there's Danny Evans, who is as boring as khaki pants.

He's the "good one" and is smart only compared to suicidal Stevie. Danny's in college with aspirations of law school because he doesn't want to do things the street-way that Ike and Stevie follow; and so the brothers clash.  This trope is so used up, it's a hollowed out husk of its former dramatic self.  Not to mention the fact that the writers have made Danny so virginally Boy-Scout you half expect him to sprout Captain Marvel's costume at any moment.   

The last important character is Jack Klein:

here is the only other character actually worth watching (aside from "the Butcher").  Klein is your standard ruthless prosecutor, which could have been tedious--and very nearly was--except for the inconspicuous nuance that Matt Ross brings to this role.  Ross portrays Klein as cutthroat, instead of as a hard-hitting do-gooder.  The writers can be credited with making this character competitive, but smart enough to play the game very well.  This is possibly the only rather well-written (comparatively speaking) subplot.  Klein goes after Evans to get to Diamond and is using Danny--and everyone else--to do it.  Klein doesn't just want power, he wants to win.  I get the feeling that Klein knows it's all a giant chess game, but he's the only one that sees the board. He'll do whatever it takes to beat his opponents, but not to an idiotically self-destructive extent. He obviously believes he's smarter than everyone around him and he's proving it.  At this point, I'm willing to keep watching just to see this guy win.  *and, not to put too fine a point on it, Big Love's Matt Ross was the perfect choice to play a competitive control-freak*

After all of that, I hope I managed to illustrate some of what is to blame for this sadly lackluster show.  Starz has tried--and failed--with other overtly serious shows that couldn't deliver (Camelot comes to mind). And Starz has also delivered a mystifyingly successful, though embarrassingly gratuitous, MMA-trainwreck of a series (*ahem* Spartacus).

Magic City was supposed to be the network's introduction to serious adulthood/intelligent entertainment, but the one-off premium channel just can't seem to pull in and hire the great writers necessary to accomplish this.  This is yet another example that Starz is not yet a generic HBO (unlike Showtime, with its Tudors and Borgias successes).  I really and truly wanted to love this show.  I hung on after the dreadfully dull pilot in the hopes that I would just come to like the show.  Then I hung on because I wanted to see Diamond go completely off the deep end while Klein cleaned house.  I was not hate-watching this (that was Spartacus), but I was watching this.  *shakes head*  Maybe that's Starz's secret: it's not what it could be, so you stick around to see what all it wasn't supposed to be.    

Facebook, I want to break up.

Facebook, I want to break up.  I just don't think I'm getting much out of this relationship anymore.  In the beginning, it was great! I reconnected with a lot of friends, kept in touch with family, discovered Farmville....  But all of that has changed; I guess the honeymoon is over.  After all these years, you've changed, I've changed.  We're just not the same as we were.  It's over.

It's over, but not for the reasons other people are talking about breaking up with Facebook (namely, privacy issues).  It's not even because of the increasingly intrusive (and laughably mismatched) ads eating up screen space.  It's because of my NewsFeed.  At first, I thought it was just mine, but reading FB critiques, I learn it's happened to many people's news feeds.  I'm not talking about the regular restructuring updates that invariably ignite a FB-hating flame war.  I'm talking about news feed content.  It's almost all junk news now.  It's gotten so bad that I began to whinge when logging on--the same whingeing I have when opening my (real life) mailbox, knowing it'll be crammed with scattered junk mail.  And so, I left Facebook about a month ago.

Warning up front: this blog post consists of an examination of my news feed-dysfunction as a way of engaging in relationship purging (sorry to air our personal issues, FB).  So, what is that junk mail in my NewsFeed?  It's a mish-mash of stuff that, in small enough doses, is fine.  But when it co-ops the entire day's feed, it becomes mind-numbing.  It's mostly comprised of the following:

Political Rants--I have a lot of politically tuned-in friends and I love them, but....  I will allow, however, that this is an election year; therefore, I can let these slide.

Pregnancy Woes/Potty-training Anecdotes--Over the past several years, I've been subjected to more of these than any one human being should be in a lifetime.  Quite frankly, it's like attending a daily baby shower.  *shudder*

[     ]Ville Game Invites--I admit, I played Farmville for a while, until I realized that it was internet-crack: the first little bit is free, until you're hooked, and then it leeches your bank account.  Ditto [___]Wars.  I do believe more people log in to FB to play these scam-games than to engage in actual Facebooking. I'm not sure if that's sad or telling.

Funny/Goofy/Sarcastic Pics/Videos/Charts--I actually don't mind these so much; they're great for procrastinating and most of them are actually entertaining.  Having said that, memes do get old..very old..very fast.

Amateur Cellphone Photography--this is my biggest gripe next to the pregnancy/parenting complaints.  I'm not the only one to develop a distaste for amateur cellphone photography a la FB.  Unless you are a college freshman (who only take pictures of drunk people who will later get fired), these pictures consist of 2 things: children and food.

          Children cellphone pictures--I know parents love their rugrats like they're the greatest rugrat ever to crawl on a floor; but endless, context-free cellphone photos aren't actually necessary to convey your parental pride.  Over the past 365 days, I have had delivered to my news feed 128 amateur cellphone pictures of kids with dogs, 83 pictures of kids in yards, 67 pictures of kids on sofas...no, wait, make that 68.  I understand that there is a natural parental urge to document every minute of your child's existence, but cellphone photography is not the way to go.  Your kid may be mind-bogglingly cute in that instant, but that very rarely translates onto the internet.  You tap your phone and what gets posted is yet another blurry, impromptu picture of child doing something that isn't readily apparent.
But even giddy amateur parent-photography isn't as bad as....

          Food Pictures--People post amateur cellphone photos of what their significant other ordered for dinner last Saturday, what they and their colleagues had at lunch on Monday, and a picture of the appetizers delivered 5 minutes ago.  When did this become a "thing"?  Why would anyone on Earth care?  Seriously, if you didn't shed your own blood, sweat, and tears to make that dish...if you don't own the restaurant...if you aren't dating the chef, put the cellphone down and just eat the thing.  I don't actually know anyone who needs to see a picture of what someone else ordered to eat last Thursday, unless it unexpectedly was shaped like Elvis's head--in which case, they'll probably be selling it on Ebay and I can view it there.  

We all have cameras in our hands now, but that doesn't mean we should be flooding Facebook with photos every second.  Think about it: if we wouldn't hire a professional photographer to record the event, buy 3x5 glossies, and distribute those to in-laws, co-workers, bosses, and school children, then we probably shouldn't bother with it--whether it's the donut you just ordered, or an up-close and personal photo-spread of your bff giving birth (actually happened to my news feed!); don't force your friends' list to sort through all of that to get to the graduation pictures.

Facebook, whatever happened to momentous status updates?  Whatever happened to posts of funny anecdotes?  Why has my news feed begun to read like someone's day planner?  It's like people are emptying their pockets and desk drawers onto my screen and I have to sort through wrinkled receipts, jumbled post-it notes, crumpled newspaper clippings, reject photos from the abandoned scrapbook, garbled phone messages, inflammatory pamphlets, etc.  Interacting with you, Facebook, has become a daily, collective yard sale--I've seen most of it before, I already own some of it myself, and none of it is particularly interesting.

I began to question why I was spending time and energy on that.  Then one day, I just quit.  That was about a month ago and few, if any, have noticed.  Yes, it was weird at first--not hard, just strange.  I'm still dealing with a Pavlovian impulse to want to post things on Facebook, but that's waning.  And I have actually regained at least 2 hours each day.  That's 14 hours a week that I now spend reading real news, reading real literature, or just relaxing.

I realize now, Facebook, that our relationship had just become a habit...and habits can be broken.  Facebook, I want to break up.

Classic Rock or Classic Rubbish?

Lately I've been re-evaluating something that was once so fundamental to me: Classic Rock.  Since I've started really listening to the songs played on the ubiquitous classic rock radio stations, I've discovered something quite shocking: I actually don't like nearly as much of it as I always assumed I did.  And they were definitely assumptions.  I recently realized that my affinity for classic rock stems less from actual enjoyment and more from a deep familiarity with the songs and musicians played in endless rotation. 

Per my personal musical exploration: I'm now ready to admit that I don't like Journey--I'm an 80's child and Journey is just cheesy, make-out music that teenagers in movies had on the radio in the background while they made out and waited for the killer/parents to arrive and interrupt them. Also, in my humble opinion (which I've harbored all my life), neither Rod Stewart nor Lita Ford have any talent to speak of.  Of course, that does not apply to Lita Ford's tenure in The Runaways--I'll forgive anyone who was in that band any later silliness or mediocrity--and Lita was definitely silly in the 80s (anyone remember her humping her guitar while dressed like Jane Fonda's workout videos?). 

 The Eagles, The Doobies, The Allmans: I almost hesitate to say that none of them have anything remarkable or interesting about their music--it's purely background stuff (and yes, I admit that it was different for those bands in the 70s, but this ain't the 70s no more). Aanndd..here I feel like I'm uttering a mild sacrilege..I don't think I like Rush or Skynyrd..but that's just an initial verdict, I'll reserve final judgment.

I also don't like 38 Special, Aerosmith, and a growing number of other rock groups that form the indispensable stable on classic rock stations around the country.  Now, there are in fact quite a few classic rock staples that I happen to truly love: The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, The Stones, and many others..including Chicago.  *I would like to register a complaint that classic rock stations don't play NEARLY enough David Bowie.  Just something to take under advisement.*

You're probably wondering what started all of this (admittedly pointless) retrospection.  I haven't listened to non-Pandora radio in years..because I have a short attention span, I can't stand commercial breaks while I'm on the interstate and I Absolutely HATE morning radio babbling-shows (they're NEVER actually entertaining).  So, when I recently turned my car radio on (it was, of course, pre-set to the classic rock station), it was like I was hearing the stuff from a distance.  The time spent not listening to it allowed me to hear it with more objective ears..and I realized that I actually didn't like what I was hearing. So much of it seems cheesy, mediocre, or even just annoying. Don't get me wrong, in my opinion there's far more good stuff on a classic rock station than on a pop station..but that doesn't mean that all of it is worth listening to.

I'll continue to revise my list of good vs. familiar classic rock..and in the interest of gender equality, I'll end this blog post with a slightly updated, chick music reconsideration: I admit that I prefer Veruca Salt and Bikini Kill to Ani DiFranco and PJ Harvey. I only like a small fraction of Tori Amos's work. And..*gulp*..I have never liked The Indigo Girls....  And now every female friend I've ever had gasped, clutched her throat, and fell over. I may have forfeited my Girl Club membership card with that last one.